The Wall

There was a set of 6 mirror tiles on the wall in the hall

It was outside my bedroom. I cant remember who went through that wall if it was me, my brother or my mom. It was so frequent that it was normal to see a hole and something coving it. As if something covering in made it disappear, that the action that caused it never happened. 

Through my life I blocked it out. I continued to live my life pretending that it never happened and that it would never happen again.  It was generational on my dad's side. No one had to tell me that. I experienced it. Witnessed it. I saw my father beat our family but I also saw my uncles beat their children  My mother's side was different. There was no hitting just love and respect. So it made for a confusing childhood. I was raised by my mom to respect myself and protect myself. My father raised me to cower, forgive, accept and aggrestion towards others was rewarded. 

I already knew that I would never hurt anyone physically. I could not. I was not going to be anything like him. My mom would tell me stories about how he was abused his whole life and that when he came back from Vietnam he was worse. I felt sorry for him, and over my young adult life I tried to get him help. It did not work. By the time I was 21, I never spoke to him again. I decided that if I was going to break this family cycle either he was going to get healed or I was stepping away. So thats what I did I stepped away drew my line in the sand and let my father know that this is what I needed for a healthy relationship. He was unable to do that. He was unable to see that he even had a problem. Maybe acknowledging this was to painful for him. All I knew is that I was saving my future self. I did not want to become like him or his family. 

So I did the healthiest thing I could think of at the time. I took that huge hole that I had in me and I found 6 pieces of a mirror and placed it over that hole. That way it wasn’t there right? No one could see it. Not even me. The wall protected me for many years but you know what it did not do?

 It did not heal me, that came years later.